The Colleague Everyone Loves (Except Those Who Work Closely With Them)
They're so helpful, so dedicated, such a team player—at least that's what management thinks. They volunteer for everything, stay late, and position themselves as indispensable. They're humble about their contributions while making sure everyone knows how hard they work. Leadership loves them.
But if you work closely with them, you know a different story. Credit for your work disappears. Collaboration feels like subtle competition. They undermine you in ways that are hard to prove. Information gets "forgotten" at critical moments. You're confused, frustrated, and increasingly isolated—but you can't articulate why because they haven't done anything overtly wrong.
Why Workplace Covert Narcissists Are Dangerous
Workplace covert narcissists are skilled at managing up while undermining laterally and down. Management sees a dedicated, helpful employee. Colleagues experience sabotage, credit theft, and manipulation. Because their tactics are subtle and their public persona is positive, victims often aren't believed when they report problems. The covert narcissist maintains plausible deniability while systematically damaging your reputation and career.
Signs You're Working with a Covert Narcissist
1. The Office Martyr
They position themselves as endlessly sacrificing for the team, working harder than anyone else, and underappreciated despite their dedication.
What this looks like:
- • Vocal about how late they stayed or how much work they did
- • Sighing and mentioning how overwhelmed they are
- • Making their effort visible while others' work is invisible
- • Framing their basic job duties as extraordinary sacrifice
- • Complaining about workload while volunteering for high-visibility projects
- • Creating narratives about carrying the team
Example: They send emails at 11pm (scheduled or actually working) so everyone sees their dedication, then mention in meetings how they "had to work all night" on something.
2. Credit Theft and Idea Appropriation
Your ideas become their ideas. Your work gets presented as team effort (led by them) or disappears from the narrative entirely.
How they do this:
- • You share an idea in a meeting; they present it to leadership as theirs
- • Collaborative work gets framed as their solo project
- • They're vague about who contributed what
- • Using "I" when discussing team work
- • Positioning themselves as the face of any success
- • Minimizing others' contributions while amplifying their own
Example: You develop a new process and share it with them. Two weeks later, they're presenting "their innovative solution" to the department head, with no mention of you.
3. Subtle Sabotage
They undermine your work in ways that are hard to prove—"forgetting" to include you, withholding information, or creating obstacles while appearing helpful.
Sabotage tactics:
- • "Forgetting" to forward critical emails
- • Leaving you off meeting invitations
- • Providing incomplete or incorrect information
- • Committing to help then being unavailable
- • Changing agreed-upon plans without telling you
- • Creating last-minute obstacles for your projects
Example: They agree to provide data for your presentation. The morning of, they "realize" they don't have it and "feel terrible" about the miscommunication—leaving you unprepared.
4. Triangulation Between Colleagues
They create division by sharing information, gossiping, pitting people against each other, and positioning themselves as the reasonable middle party.
How they triangulate:
- • "I probably shouldn't tell you this, but [colleague] said..."
- • Sharing selective information that creates conflict
- • Playing mediator in conflicts they created
- • Positioning themselves as the team's confidant
- • Creating competing factions they control
Learn more about triangulation tactics.
5. Passive-Aggressive Communication
Direct conflict is avoided. Instead, they use sarcasm, backhanded compliments, pointed emails, or professional-sounding jabs.
Examples:
- • "I'm surprised you handled it that way" (implying you did it wrong)
- • "Per my last email..." (condescending tone)
- • CCing management on minor issues to create paper trail against you
- • Smiling while making cutting remarks
- • "Just trying to help" while criticizing
- • Excessive formality that feels hostile
6. Managing Up, Undermining Down
They're wonderful to leadership and terrible to peers or subordinates. The version management sees is completely different from the daily reality.
The split behavior:
- • Charming and helpful in leadership's presence
- • Critical and undermining when management isn't watching
- • Volunteering for high-visibility work, avoiding unglamorous tasks
- • Taking credit in front of leadership, criticizing behind closed doors
- • Positioning themselves as leadership's ally against problematic team
Example: In team meetings, they're collaborative and supportive. In one-on-ones with the boss, they express "concern" about team members' performance—always positioned as caring feedback.
7. Victim Mentality When Confronted
If you address their behavior, they become the wounded party. You're attacking them, misunderstanding them, or being unfair.
Response to feedback:
- • Tears or emotional collapse
- • "I was only trying to help"
- • "I can't believe you'd think that of me"
- • Positioning your feedback as an attack
- • Going to HR or management as the victim
- • Making you look like the aggressor
This is DARVO: Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender.
8. Weaponizing "Concern" and "Feedback"
They undermine you by expressing "concern" about your performance, judgment, or stability—framed as caring but designed to damage your reputation.
Concern-trolling tactics:
- • "I'm worried about how stressed you seem"
- • "Has something been going on? Your work seems off"
- • Mentioning to others that they're "concerned" about you
- • Framing criticism as care
- • Planting seeds of doubt about your competence or stability
Example: They tell your manager they're "concerned about your workload and whether you're managing okay"—planting doubt about your competence while appearing supportive.
Survival Strategies
1. Document Everything
Documentation is your protection. Covert narcissists rely on plausible deniability and manipulating narratives. Written records are evidence.
What to document:
- • All agreements in writing (emails confirming verbal discussions)
- • Your contributions to projects (save drafts, emails, timestamps)
- • Instances of sabotage (dates, specifics, impact)
- • Witnesses to their behavior
- • Credit theft (evidence of your work and their claims)
Keep personal records outside company systems. Document patterns, not isolated incidents.
2. Communicate in Writing
Minimize verbal agreements. Get everything in email so there's a record.
Best practices:
- • Follow up verbal conversations with "confirming" emails
- • CC relevant parties on important communications
- • Be professional, brief, and factual
- • Don't engage emotional bait—stick to business matters
- • Save sent emails and their responses
Example: After a meeting, email: "To confirm our discussion, I'll handle X by Y date, and you'll provide Z. Let me know if I've missed anything."
3. Maintain Professional Boundaries
Don't share personal information, struggles, or vulnerabilities. Anything you share can be weaponized.
Boundary strategies:
- • Keep interactions professional and work-focused
- • Don't confide in them about personal life or work frustrations
- • Decline social invitations that aren't team-wide
- • Don't engage office gossip with them
- • Be friendly but not friends
Use the Grey Rock method—be boring, professional, and uninteresting as a target.
4. Protect Your Reputation Proactively
Build relationships with leadership and colleagues independent of the narcissist. Make your work visible on your own terms.
Reputation protection:
- • Send regular updates to management about your projects
- • Present your own work directly when possible
- • Build alliances with other team members
- • Document your contributions publicly (appropriate meetings/emails)
- • Be visible for your accomplishments before they can claim them
5. Don't Engage Triangulation
When they try to pull you into gossip or drama about other colleagues, shut it down.
Responses to triangulation attempts:
- • "I haven't experienced that with [colleague]"
- • "That's between you and them"
- • "I prefer not to discuss other team members"
- • Change subject to work matters
Don't share negative opinions about others—they will use it. Stay neutral and professional.
6. Set Clear Expectations and Follow Up
When you need something from them, be explicit and create accountability.
Accountability strategies:
- • Clear deadlines in writing
- • Specific deliverables defined
- • Follow-up emails before deadlines
- • Escalate professionally if commitments aren't met
- • Don't rely on verbal promises
7. Build Alliances Carefully
Find colleagues who've also experienced problems. There's safety in numbers and validation in knowing you're not alone.
Be careful about who you trust—the covert narcissist may have flying monkeys. Share concerns only with people you're certain about.
If multiple people report issues, it's harder for the narcissist to maintain their victim narrative or gaslight management.
8. Know When to Escalate (and How)
If their behavior affects your work or mental health, you may need to report it. Do this strategically.
Escalation strategy:
- • Have documented evidence of patterns
- • Frame issues in terms of impact on work, not personality
- • Be factual, not emotional
- • Focus on behaviors, not intentions or motives
- • Expect them to play the victim—be prepared for that response
Warning: HR and management may not recognize covert narcissism. They may see you as the problem. Escalate only if you have strong evidence and understand the risks.
9. Consider Exit Strategy
Sometimes the healthiest option is leaving. If management won't address the problem and the situation is damaging your mental health or career, plan your exit.
Exit planning:
- • Start job searching quietly
- • Document your accomplishments for future interviews
- • Build your professional network outside the company
- • Secure references from people who know your work
- • Don't badmouth the company or colleague during exit
Your mental health and career are worth more than any job. Don't sacrifice either indefinitely.
What NOT to Do
- Don't confront them directly expecting accountability: They will not admit wrongdoing. Direct confrontation gives them ammunition to paint you as aggressive or hostile.
- Don't badmouth them to colleagues: This can get back to them or management, making you look like the problem. Be professional and vague.
- Don't expect management to see through them: The covert narcissist is skilled at managing up. Management often loves them and won't believe complaints easily.
- Don't share personal vulnerabilities: Anything you share—struggles, fears, weaknesses—can be weaponized against you later.
- Don't engage in their drama: Stay out of triangulation, gossip, and conflict. Be Switzerland—neutral and professional.
- Don't rely on verbal agreements: Get everything in writing. Their word means nothing without documentation.
You're Not Imagining It
If you're experiencing consistent undermining, credit theft, and manipulation from a colleague who appears wonderful to management, you're not paranoid or overly sensitive. Covert narcissists are skilled at creating this exact dynamic—harming you while appearing blameless.
The workplace makes this particularly difficult because you can't go no contact. You must interact professionally while protecting yourself from someone who's actively sabotaging you. This requires strategy, documentation, and boundaries.
Document everything. Communicate in writing. Maintain professional boundaries. Protect your reputation proactively. Build alliances carefully. Don't expect management to see what you see—but if the situation becomes untenable, be prepared to escalate with evidence or leave.
Your sanity, mental health, and career trajectory matter more than any job. If working with this person is destroying your wellbeing, it's okay to prioritize yourself and move on. There are workplaces where your contributions are valued, your boundaries are respected, and your colleagues operate in good faith. You deserve that environment.